09. Rules of the Game

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler

– Albert Einstein

This piece of article is not a step by step approach to woe a girl or a ‘dummies’ edition of ‘How to get a girlfriend’. This is also not about how you entrap a girl using ur guile and her innocence(if something like that is left in her). This is for all those poor guys who are wondering why they are still left among the ‘gang of guys’ one may find in any coffee shop during any major celebrations of youngistaan like New year, B’days or amidst the ubiquitous air of Feb 14.

If you are one among the unlucky few who’s still looking for a whiff of girl thing in the chapters of your life before tying the inevitable knot, then welcome guys, you have come to the right place. It’s not that you are tactless or juvenile. It’s just that you are playing in a new arena without knowing the rules of the game.

This is also for those gentle ladies who are game enough to laugh at oneself and have an interest to know what androids of their generation think about their ooomphilicious other halfs.

Before I begin explaining the intricacies of this strange game it’s imperative from my part to mention the inspirations I drew from Steven Levitt & Stephen Dubner, the freakanomists who made me realise the utilisation of tools of statistics for analysing/ explaining mundane issues in life and the makers of ‘Zombieland’ for a wonderful movie. I no longer wish to stand between you and the vital chunk of knowledge you are going to engage yourself with.

Rule 1: Bros b4 chicks

For all those who have eagerly started reading this, if u r one among those unforgivable opportunists who have ideas of leaving ur friends once start getting closer with ur girlfriend, just stop; u don’t deserve to read beyond this. And even if u read this, the hand of God (if u believe in Him) or chaos theory (for a non-believer) would make sure that u wind up as beardless Devdas under the canopies of the same friends

Rule 2: Get-a-grip

All girls want tall, handsome, drop dead gorgeous guys who are sensible, smart and have a big fat bank balance. But lucky us, these guys appear only in fairy tales of girls & occupy only less than 1% of the total male population. So, girls, gracefully and without any other choice settle for lesser alternatives like humour sense, stability and caring. (I might have included sincerity, but the last time I checked, it had contradicting meaning in the dictionaries of men & women)

So the point is if you find any of these rare species of guys, my advice to you sir is to retreat gracefully, cos no matter what you try, you are going to just end bruised at heart and soul.

Rule 3: Dumber-law

Girls always like to think that they are intelligent and more sensible than the guy opposite them. And since it’s true for most of the cases majority of guys pass this rule without much ado. This was statistically tested among various institutions all over the world and was found that about 80% of time it was only the girl who had better academic records than the guy in a pair. This amidst the fact that the selected colleges had academic records almost equal among boys and girls or tilted towards guys.

For those who failed this rule, sorry guys… you have to fail in something in life, either in the exams or the more important ‘girl’ challenge. May be that’s why geeks always end losers in affairs of love.

But there’s a warp zone for this rule. You can show that you suck at something like being bad at a sport she’s good at or asking her to help in managing things which you will eventually admit you are bad at.

You can also try for a temporary arrangement of helping out in assignment problems or ‘private’ classes during exams. But there will be watershed only as long as there’s thunder and rain.

Rule 4: Word press

Nothing touches a girl’s heart like a good set of soothing words. It can be borrowed or stolen, only that the timing should be apt. So don’t regret that you watched that intolerable chick-flick movie or read through the trying ‘Jane Austen’ novel. These are like the bitter tonics you take as medicine. All these would help you assuage your way to a girl’s inner self.

Rule 5: Blah-ging

Since you are desperate enough to have read this far into this article, it only means that you are sure that no girl in her right mind would accept you as her interest. This is a pretty serious problem if you approach it head on, but has a simpler solution. Just remove her mind. Sounds crazy?? But it’s quite logical.

No one, even Albert Einstein can know everything. So find something which she doesn’t know, yet, is engaging enough to retain her attention and speak at lengths about it. So after trying for some time, the girl would give up and suspend her sensibility in the air of your wizadry. As you make it sure that you have successfully disengaged her brains, engage her in sweet talks like the rom-com you saw or compliment her looks. Like Navjot Singh Siddhu says, strike when the iron is hot, hit when the ball comes fast, swoop her when she is still not using her brains. (well, the last part was added specially for this article)

This has a serious risk of her losing interest on the topic even before she loses her brain and consequently you. So engage her in this sort of conversation while you are sure she can’t move away from you, like while you are in a dinner or while in a public transport.

Rule 3 & 5 might seem to contradict each other, but one who can delineate the two would realise the significance of both and their inevitability.

Rule 6: Priestly

Ninety percent of conversations among guys above the age of 15 until they get married are centred around or along the peripheries of something related to women. And 100% of conversations between women, not limited by age are about themselves. When the global statistics is in favour of them, why spoil the river flow by diverting the topic towards something else ? When you speak with her just speak about her, or better just let her speak. You should be like a priest who speaks only about his God, only here it’s your Goddess.

And don’t worry, they’ll never get bored. All you have to do is just say hm.. is it.. really?? and the like. And don’t even bother to comment on anything, that’s the worst thing you could do to spoil her moment.

Rule 7: Girl-next-door

Women always like what the next girl has, no matter how superior what they possess is. A leading textile retail used this weakness of women by letting a few of its staffs in disguise of customers. The duty of these employees is to just pluck a dress another woman has picked and trying to call the attender to pack it. Women by their natural instinct either buy similar designs immediately or fight for the same dress with the other ‘customer’ which she’ll give away after initial resistance. Industry sources reveal that the retail was able to tremendously increase its footfall conversion ratio and almost halve its service time.

To cut a long story short ’Women are attracted to guys who are with other girls’. So all you have to do is just be friendly with everyone, esp, girls.

Rule 8: Puppy doggy

Women always like injured puppies. It’s not that they are all Mother Theresas by birth, but they feel a connect with anything that’s hurt or unhappy. Cos women have this weird quality of feeling pity about themselves and hence could easily identify with anyone who’s hurt.

It’d help if you have a love story of sorts which ended in debacle or any other of such qualities which shows you to be in a pitiful state. But be genuine in this, cos like I said they could easily identify themselves with the puppies and can readily sniff out lies like the puppies’ moms.

Rule 9: Un-getto

This rule is a derivative of the basic marketing principle of supply and demand. More the supply less the demand and vice versa. What this means is that be the ‘ungettable’. There’s always an attraction for women towards what they can’t get. So at times acting like a misogynist or telling that you don’t wish to fall in love could help.

To put cautions to the wind, I’d like to add that don’t overplay this rule to the extent that the girl loses hope of getting you. You should be difficult to get, but at the same time gettable. For example you can say that you don’t believe that ‘real’ love exists but at the same time show that you are a romantic at heart.

Rule 10: Meet the sisterhood

Girls in general have the tendency to prefer things that they can flaunt to things that they would actually use. They always like to show off to their friends about anything they have, putting it to perspective, one can say that being enviable is something no girl can resist.

This requires special effort from your part to satisfy the sisterhood of your girlfriend (don’t misinterpret this guys…) There’s nothing wrong in knowing one or two about the interests of each of her girlfriends. I can hear a loud outcry among you guys.. but come on… you have come this far.. just this small step of you can make her take giant leaps into your life.

But a word of caution, don’t turn on your charms too much on her friends… you might be doubted for trying to two time.

Rule of Rules:

Application of all these rules would be worthy only when you are able to execute them being who you are. Even else, you would be able to successfully woe her, but where’s the love when you have lost your soul?

The author is a leading entrepreneur and consultant in the area of ‘girl friend management services’ and is the current CEO of ‘Cupid services and solutions’, a leading FMS (Figure management solutions) player.

Disclaimer: This article is purely of academic interests and the author or the company takes no responsibility for liabilities incurred due to trying out the advises mentioned in this column.